Thursday, September 30, 2010

Holy Hangover

Hey everyone! The internet cut off last night before I finished writing my blog so I just saved what I wrote and I'm going to copy-paste it here and then fill you in on the stuff that happened later...

This is from Yesterday:
Hello! I am freshly showered and ready to tell you all about my insane day!! started off terribly. I woke up in a bad/sad mood which was exasperated by other things and basically turned into my heart hurting again. :( So, I made my way up to devotions at 7:30 prepared to just suffer through the 10 minutes of talking and then retreat to my quiet time. I wanted to find some verses that are promises of God so that when I started having sad thoughts I could speak out Gods truth.

But, surprise!!! The devotions person announced that since her devotional was about unity we weren't going to go have individual "quiet times"....are you serious??!?! Did God not know that today of ALL days was the day that I really needed alone time with him? I was pretty much livid. And, to add to that I didn't have a problem with unity!! I like everyone here, and if I don't like them I've already gone up to them and talked through our issues - I was doin' great in the area of unity, didn't God know that? hello?!

Anyways, after "sticking it to God" by being silent during prayer we had a time of reconciliation. Basically just going up to people and apologizing for anything or bringing anything into the light that needed to be brought out, etc. So, I decided that I wanted to at least apologize to two girls for not making an effort to get to know them because we have some pretty severe language barriers - but that's no excuse. So, then I went up and apologized to another girl and another one for various reasons and I guess I realized that it's the little things, the little "annoyances" the little frustrations and the little limitations that I put on people that really can have an effect on unity and relationships!

And, guess what? A ton of people came up to me and apologized! Which was weird because I thought I was really liked....? haha But, what was really weird was that every person that came up to me was a CLOSE friend (not LaChelle, don't worry). And they ALL apologized for being jealous or threatened by me for various reasons!

I would have thought that being told that someone was jealous of you would make me feel more confident or something, but it didn't? It was really really awkward. You know what was weird was I felt the compulsion to put myself down to build them up...weird. But, I resisted the urge for the most part and just accepted their apology. Now, do I hide my giftings and stuff? A lot of the issues were rooted in my I act less confident? I don't think so...

AND a few people came up to LaChelle and myself and told us that they were jealous of our friendship, (we're the only ones on the base that actually call ourselves "best friends"...well, we dont call ourselves that yet - we're both too nervous - but we've acknowledged the fact that it's true)! WEIRD! But awesome!!!

- - Okay, this is where I stopped last night but I'm going to pick it up now, but it's still about yesterday...confusing? :) - -

Anyways, that took about an hour and a half. I then grabbed some coffee (my mom sent me about 30 packets of Via Starbucks instant coffee...thank you!!) and headed back up immediately.

Then the really amazing stuff started happening!! We all got anointed and prophesied over! Oh my goodness it was amazing! We started with some worship and we were all asked to go up to the mike if we had a general prophecy or prayer over the base, and guess what?! I got one!! (oh, quick tangent - earlier that day a girl came up to me and told me that God told her that He was going to give me the gift of It was about a cyclone coming into the base and picking up all of the baggage that we were going to unload during the day and sweeping it out forever. I thought it was weird...but I went with it and one of the leaders came up to me later and said that God had given her a very similar vision a few weeks ago and she didn't know what it meant so I helped her interpret it!! :)

THEN the speaker and his friend who has major giftings of prophecy came around us and anointed us each individually, prayed for the holy spirit to fill us up again (I've realized that I think you're baptized w/ the holy spirit once you become a Christian but you can be filled up and re-baptized which literally means to be immersed, over and over again) and then they prophesied over us. And all of our prophecies were different!!

I didn't get prayed over until about 2 hours into our prayer time so by the time they got to me I was already completly open to the Holy Spirit! I actually told God, "I'm not going to accept anything less than a tangible encounter with you today!" I'm not positive if it was okay for me to tell God that so blatantly but, he definitely honored my request! I guess you could say I demanded my inheritance! :)

IT WAS AWESOME!!! Immediately once I was annointed I started laughing, or sobbing I couldn't really tell... LaChelle was my scribe and wrote down everything they said, which was a LOT so I can't type it all up but I'll give you the most prominent and powerful words.

The main prophecy was that I would get exactly what my heart desired - they said that God knows that my heart desires a LOT and that because of my great faith (maybe my great demand-ment...) He is going to honor me and give me EVERYTHING! Every spiritual gift I want is mine...HOW FREAKING COOL!!!!

The other guy told me that while he was watching me pray and worship thorughout the day he kept seeing a visible light coming out of me - not just a vision but a real light coming out of my body. He said that everyone in the room couldn't keep their eyes off of me. He told me that I would smile for the rest of my life and that light would bring people to the Lord!! :)

And the most important prophesy was this one: I was told that I had a specific anointing and gift of entertaining God's presence. The guy basically said that he had never seen someone so gifted in entertaining God before - he literally likes watching me?!! :) He said that I have the annointing to bring it anywhere I go, down the street, to work, while I sleep - God always wants to be with me because I entertain his presence and can invite it in to every place! He said that it's a powerful gift because it not only entertains God but it in turn entertains others and opens them up to His presence!! HOW COOL!!!!!!!

Well...all of this sounds really "braggy" BUT hey, I'm alright with being blessed by the Holy Spirit! I mean, you can too!!! LaChelle had a really cool prophecy too! But, it would take too long to type! But, I'll just let you know that it was TOTALLY different than mine but equally amazing and encouraging! She's so strong! I love it! :)

Okay, well guess what....we prayed for 5 1/2 hours!!! From 7:30 - 1:00!!!! INSANE! If you would have told me that I'd ENJOY praying for 5 1/2 hours I would have immediately dismissed you...but I did! WEIRD! :)

Well, after that I was thoroughly hungry so I devoured my lunch. Then we headed out to our evangelism for the day. My team went to a VERY Muslim area, almost everything was in Arabic and stuff. We were given a CD from an Arabic Christian artist to give away and then a brochure for a "house of healing" in the area. Then we were split up into groups of two and sent out....WHAT?! I was terrified!! :)

But, the girl I was with was just as terrified as me so we just prayed and started walking. We walked by a clothing store that only sold traditional Islamic women's clothing and I, being really interested in sociology and the basic lives of different people, really wanted to learn more about their fashion. So, we walked in and were greeted by two girls in their early twenties wearing traditional Muslim clothing. We handed them a CD and then just started talking....and wow did we hit it off!!

We talked about accents, boys, travel, culture EVERYTHING! We mentioned that we were here for a Christian school and they were very open to that and didn't get offended! Then I asked them about their different religious rules in regards to their clothing. They explained a lot and asked if we had any questions about their religion, etc. So, we asked them a LOT about their beliefs, etc. but never once argued or even mentioned what we believe in, we just listened. I was getting worried that I was doing this whole evangelism thing wrong considering I hadn't mentioned Jesus yet but I just kept praying for the Holy Spirit to guide me and the conversation and trusted that He was in control.

Then about 45 minutes into the conversation it shifted! They started asking US about our religion, about the trinity and how it worked, about forgiveness of sins, even about Jesus and the Holy Spirit! It was awesome! They were obviously still very convinced of the truth of Islam but they were very interested in learning about Christianity. I accidentally mentioned that their view of hell was a lot like Dante's inferno...and they said they had never heard of that book and they wrote down the title so they could buy it...oops, not exactly great Christian doctrine - but, the Holy Spirit can overcome it! :)

Then our leader came and found us (they got worried after we didn't show back up at our meeting point on time...oops) and told us it was time to go. But, guess what? The girls didn't want us to leave! they said they were having a great time talking and wanted to do it again. So, I got their number and gave them mine and now we are going out for Lebanese food on Monday so they can finish asking us questions!!!

WHAT?!?!?! Did that for real happen?!? I've NEVER told ANYONE about Jesus before and my first experience is a pair of Muslim girls?! The Holy Spirit definitely has a finesse for the insane! :)

Well, that pretty much gave me and Emily the best high ever and we were very excited to tell everyone else on the bus ride home!!! After that we had dinner, cleaned up, and then had another 2 1/2 hour lecture!

I went to bed fully exhausted and with a migraine and woke up this morning with the migraine intensified.

I had a bad dream last night about Kev showing me a picture of a girl and convincing me that I wasn't beautiful and would never be as good looking as her...that sucked. And it put me in a very bad mood for the day - which was only intensified as the day went on.

I guess I'd refer to today as a "Holy Hangover". I had such a great day yesterday that today was the hangover from yesterday - and it hit hard!!! Both physically and emotionally! I've cried ALL day today... I've had a migrane all day, a sore throat, and sinus problems - not to mention my lack of sleep. So, I skipped out on some things so I could sleep more but I woke up just as sick as I went to bed.

AND to counter my sickness I accidently took too many meds on an empty stomach so now I feel like I'm floating everywhere...

BUT, my family at home has REALLY helped! I don't understand how it's possible to be as wonderful as my mom and dad and sister! I really really hope that I'm exactly like them when I grow up! I LOVE THEM!!! They somehow make me feel like I'm literally being held by all of them! And it makes me feel really really special!

It's now 2:30PM and I've started to be a little bit more anchored to the ground and I've started to feel a liiiiittle bit better, however the hangover remains. BUT I wouldn't change a thing! Yesterday was worth it!!!

I've got to go make dinner now...maybe if I cough a few times I'll get off the hook ;)

I'll update again later. I love you all!


Hey, quick update:

I'm still feeling awful BUT God is sweet. I had to go up to work duties but I walked upstairs and the girl who has the office for her work duty said she wanted to switch with me. So, I thought it'd be a good idea especially b/c I didn't want to contaminate any food. Soooo I went upstairs to the office and the girl who leads it had the day off, which meant that I did too!

So, I had extra time to finish some homework assingments and even go on a donut date with LaChelle and Josh! But, the walk there and back wore me out.

I walked into the rec room and Jo immediately said, "wow. you look like you have had an absolutely rough day." And, he is right...please keep on praying - everything is hard. AND I'm getting up at 4:30 again tomorrow to go surfing AND the forecast is rain... yikes.

I appreciate all of your prayers, I'm POSITIVE that they're working and being answered. I would love it if you would all just pray for God's will in my life to take place! I know that's exactly what I want...even if it's not "exactly" what I want, you know? :) Thank you!


Wednesday, September 29, 2010

A Little Bit Deeper into My Heart

Hey, one more thing. You know how often times lyrics speak my mind better than I can myself? Well, I found another song that does that! It's by a guy named Matthew Mayfield. He's not a Christian artist, and the song doesn't really talk about anything that God's doing in my life BUT I love the lyrics. They're written from a guy's perspective to a girl, just by the way.

Here they are:

Inside her garden lies the secret in the light and I'd love to make her mine. An Iris, her soul, violet - her heart, the woman I've needed from the start, the woman I've needed from the start.

Make me a man, show me how to fight. Take that woman, make her my bride, show us the new meaning of lives entwined.

I am in love, I am in love, I am in love with you but we've got bigger things to do, like chase a new life on the heels of a new found train and take on the world with the girl and her new last name. Fight for you, this I can do.

When we've both grown tired and we're covered in scars I won't give up on your heart, please don't give up on my heart.

make me a man - show me how to fight, take that woman, maker her my bride. Show us the new meaning of lives entwined. Fight for me - won't you please...

I am in love, I am in love, I am in love with you but we've got bigger things to do like chase a new life on the heels of a new found train and take on the world with the girl and her new last name. Fight for you, this I can do. Fight for you this I can do. This I can do...this I can do...this I can do...

Oh my goodness (this is Clancy talking again, by the way)!!! I LOVE THEM!!! "fight for you, this I can do" I love that.

Well, I just thought I'd let you in a little bit more into my heart and what I'm feeling and thinking. :)


P.S. If you want to send me any letters you can! I've been meaning to post the address that you can reach me at! It's pretty expensive b/c hello, it's to Australia, BUT just in case you are bored and want to write the address is:

Clancy Cauble
PO Box 492
Mount Druitt, NSW 2770

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

My Hurting Heart

Does emotional pain ever manifest itself in the physical for you? Well, it does for me, a lot. And, it ALWAYS manifests itself in the form of pain in my heart - a very physical, heavy, and tangible pain. I used to always tell kevin, "My heart's hurting for you" or "you're making my heart hurt" or "oh my goodness, my heart is aching for that family" and I don't think he ever really understood that I meant it literally!

Well, right now my heart is hurting - physically and emotionally. I am going to be honest and say that today has been HARD. It started off initially good by talking to my mom on skype, but ended on a bad note because we finished by talking about Kev. And it just went downhill from there (there were a few good little uphill bumps, but I'm talking in generality right now).

Do you know what I realized? I guess it just hit me. I am having to grieve from a serious break up. I gave this person my heart in its entirety and now I'm having to get it back, pick it up and carry its heavy broken pieces by myself. And not only am I just going through this hurt and serious pain but I am on the entire opposite side of the world. My family isn't close to me physically - I haven't even been able to have anyone give me a hug or hold me while I cried. And it hurts. Plain and simple, it hurts.

I think that God uses my physical weakness, like my lack of sleep last night and my lack of food (it's fasting day again today) to show me these hurts that have been in my heart for a while. Now I'm just waiting for Him to help me out. I literally feel 100%, totally, completely, and utterly helpless and empty. If you've already picked up on it a little I have really really really deep emotions so when I feel something like helplessness it's not just a "oh, no I don't know what to do right now". It is a feeling of utter incapacitation.

All I want to do is retreat and return, but literally as I was typing that sentence Phlippians 1:6 popped into my head, okay I admit I had to google the reference...I'm not that smart yet, but the words to the verse popped in my head. It says "Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." and I read a short commentary on the verse and it's brought me to tears because I am convinced it's the sweet voice of the Lord affirming me. Here's my version of the commentary:

"Being confident" - this is really really strong language, and is from the Greek word being "to persuade". This means that Paul was 100% convinced, and persuaded that the words he was speaking were completely truth there was no doubt in His mind - and there's not in mine either!

"...that HE who began a GOOD WORK in you" - This is saying that GOD started the good work in me. How wonderful!! Even though it was "my idea" to break up, it wasn't me - it was God. Which is wonderful because, anything started by me is liable to fail. But, I know that EVERYTHING started by God is promised to be permanent and lasting. Also, that totally takes the pressure off of me!! I don't have to begin this good work, and (as you'll read in the next paragraph) I don't have to to DO it either - it's allll Him because he loves me so much!

"Will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" - I LOVE THIS! God's not going to start this incredibly hard work in my life and then just leave it up to me to finish, or walk out on me unfinished. No, he is going to carry IT and ME into completion. And you know what? The word completion implies an end, a finish, a time period. Which encourages me that this is not an un-ending pain, it has a beginning (oh boy does it have a hard beginning) but, it will also have an end.

Wow - can I just tell you something? I was telling LaChelle the other day that I didn't now if I was really baptised in the Holy Spirit and truly living in the fullness of his gifts - but I can testify right now that I am! Today has been, and still is, one of the hardest days I've had since my arrival but, the Lord has spoken to me more today than any other day!!

My heart is still heavy, I'm still holding back tears, I still just want to run up into someone's arms and be held for hours, and I'm still terrified that I'll just run back to the familiar. HOWEVER, I know that what God has started in me HE will finish and HE will give me the strength to make it through and HE will hold me in his arms and let me cry as much as I want and HE will comfort the heart of my loved one. And if there is one thing I know more than anything else of my God it is that he is big - really big - and He is in charge. Even though this time is really hard and it makes me feel like I'm walking in a pool of sticky tar, I know that I am going to come out on the other side stronger, fuller, and HAPPIER!!

Well, all of my normal comfort things to do are unavailable to me right now (physical touch of a loved one, yummy comfort food, my family, my dog, EVERYTHING) so you know what I'm going to go do? Swing. I'm going to go to that swingset I found a few weeks ago and cry while swinging with God. I'll let you know how I feel when I get back.

I love you all - a lot, I mean it. And please please please please be sensitive in your comments, I'm being really vulnerable and my heart is already hurting, please don't hurt it more. Thank you.

I'll write again soon.

Okay, here's a little update about my date with God:

Well, I thought that it was bright and sunny outside. Then I walked outside and it was overcast, dark, cold, and windy....But, I just grabbed my sweatshirt and headed out to the swings, undaunted. But, the usually secluded swing set was overrun by local teenage guys - definitely not a nice quiet spot to have a date with God. So, I decided to take a walk with God instead, but I couldn't walk anywhere with trees for fear of the magpies. So, I just started walking around on the cement, and then headed back inside the base, and right as I did it started to rain.

Now, normally I would think that that whole situation would make me sad. But, it didn't! I really have no idea why it didn't make me sad! And, in fact my heart isn't hurting as much as it was! You know what I think it was? I think that God wanted to say to me, "Hey, you don't have to DO fact, I don't want you to do anything. Just know that I'm powerful enough to heal you with just my presence."

ALSO, I forgot to tell you, I got a VERY timely email from my mom that had a lecture from Dr. Henry Cloud on it that spoke to exactly what I'm feeling lately!! It's only 9 minutes long! Here's the link:!/video/video.php?v=10150091602669972 I highly recommend watching it!

Well, I really really appreciate all of your prayers! Oh, and by the way I have good news!!! LaChelle, AND Jo are both going on the same outreach as me!!! :) AND I'm getting to surf withe the boarders DTS EVERY Saturday!

Okay, I like you all, and I'll write again tomorrow!


Refreshing My Memory

I think I've eaten an entire box of donuts today...and I love it.

But, that really has nothing to do with my day! Actually, let me tell you about it!

We had an early start today because we are having an audit and had to get everything insanely clean! Our base is the youngest YWAM base in all of New South Whales, BUT we were the ones chosen to be audited in order to receive an accreditation as a school in order for future students to be able to apply for a student visa! So, our entire staff is taking it realllly seriously, which means all of us students were up bright and early cleaning every visible surface, and every hidden surface too!

I wiped down every single square inch of the dining room, re-organized the fridge, cleaned the base director's office, and pulled about 8 pounds of weeds! Oh, just as a tangent - I was thinking, do you think they had weeds in the garden of eden? I mean, I'm sure they did...but what was their purpose? They're not pretty. They don't smell good. They really don't serve any purpose other than to kill nice plants and be annoying to YWAM students during a work why did God even create them before the fall? Let me know if you have an answer!

Anyways, after becoming thoroughly sweaty (it's finally summer here, and it has come full force making up for all lost time...) I took a FABULOUS I getting too detailed?

Oh, and I forgot I took a bunch of pictures of my room (it's the cleanest it's ever been) and I'll post them on facebook later so that you can all get more of a feel of my every day life! One day I'll remember to take my phone with me everywhere so I can give you kind of like "a day in the life..."

Ok, back to my day: After lunch we headed up to our first lecture over "The Holy Spirit"! We have a guest speaker who is AMAZING!!!!!!! I don't even know WHERE to start!

Basically - by the end of this week I KNOW that I will have an amazing supernatural event take place in my life that will absolutely blow my mind, then I'll share it with you and it'll blow yours too!! I'm learning that God is a God of evidence. Yes, he is definitely a God of faith, as can be seen with grace by faith alone. However, the Holy Spirit (equally a part of God) is an evidence-shower (I made that term up). He desires to give us convincing evidence and proof of His supernatural power and knowledge of our life. Whether that's in a word of knowledge from someone else, a supernatural healing, a prophecy, a sweet word from someone else that was much needed and given at the right time, or even maybe he'll put a new person in your life just at the right time - however he decides to show you that he knows you, the Holy Spirit wants to!!

And, I guess I had kind of a revelation today. The Holy Spirit is a relational being! I know that sounds so 1st grade, considering I already knew that God was a relational being and that Jesus was as well, and that they are all a part of the trinity - so why didn't I connect the dots that the Holy Spirit is relational too? Well, for whatever reason, I hadn't. And now I get it!! The Holy Spirit isn't just like this magic wand that uses power whenever I "call on him" - He wants to be in relationship with me just as much as Jesus does! And from that relationship spouts his "magic power" :)

We kind of got onto a tangent of talking about healing during our lecture today and a few students were really struggling with reconciling God healing some people and maybe "not healing" others. And, I really felt led to tell my story - and it made me soooooo nervous I literally started to shake. But, after I heard a girl tell a story about a guy she knew who had back problems, got prayed over for healing, but still ended up needing the surgery I was convinced that I truly did need to tell my story.

So, I shakily raised my hand and told her about how when I was born I had a large hole in my heart between the two main valves. My parents, being strong believers, decided they would wait for healing - so, over the next 6 years of my life they prayed, had other people pray over me, everything they could do asking God to heal me. But, it came to a time when the doctors (and God) said that I really needed to get the surgery before I got any older. Slightly distraught they made the appointment for my open heart surgery - but, no sooner did they "pencil it in" then they found out that there had been a recent discovery in the scientific world that revolutionized the WAY they did heart surgeries. In just that year they had discovered a way to go UNDER the rib cage and take the heart out of the body which made it a minimally invasive surgery instead of the previous surgery which would have included them breaking my rib cage and me having a long and excruciating recovery. So, guess what?!?! God DID heal me!!! He just used the doctors to do it, and He did it in HIS timing.

My (well, God's) story really helped the girl reconcile God's confusing ways, and it felt SO good to be able to help someone else by just talking...which I love to do. :) And, it has been SO long since I've told anyone that story I had actually forgotten what a miracle it was myself, so it was a nice little refresher!

Shortly after that the guy answered a few other questions and then released us for dinner. Well, of course I couldn't possibly go to dinner without blogging about everything I've learned!!! So, now I have to go and eat (it's Joe's birthday so I get to be at the special "birthday table" where they serve coke and cake!!!)

BUT, we have another 2 hour lecture tonight after dinner, so I'll try and find some time to update another short blog (well, maybe long if I learn a lot) after that!


Monday, September 27, 2010

Sleepy Day

I think I've slept more today than I have since I arrived in Australia!

First, I woke up at 9:45 so that I could skype with my family and friends for Haven's birthday party!!! It was SO fun and made me miss home SOOOOO much!!! But, it was great to be able to say hi to everyone! They all passed me around the table and then I got to "sit" on the counter and be a part of the birthday conversation!

After I "left" the party I posted a bunch of pictures on my Facebook and then doodled around on the internet for a while. Then LaChelle and I headed out to the shops. We found big sticks to carry with us in an attempt to scare the magpies off (those are the birds that attack you while you're walking). But, they always attack you from the back so we had to spin around and swing our sticks around while we were walking through their territory. We also helped save some little kids and a mom from the birds - we warned them and gave them one of our sticks, and right as we did that one of them swooped at us!! Even going to the grocery store is dangerous here in Australia...

BUT, it was all worth it when we walked inside and found a loaf of delicious banana bread with icing on top for only 6 bucks! Then I found 12 cinnamon donuts for $1.60! Can I just say that it feels extremely weird shopping for my own groceries and paying for them? I feel like such an adult, I even put back some stuff because it wasn't on sale!!...weird.

Anyways, we finished our grocery shopping and bought some more minutes for our phone (I'll be calling you soon mom!) then ran into one of the guys from my school who was also on his way back from the store. We all walked together and since we had a guy with us the birds didn't even look our way - so sexist...

By the time I got back and settled down it was 2:30 and I was exhausted! Since it's my day off and I really have nothing to do I laid down to take what turned into the best nap I think I have ever had. It was the kind of nap where you wake up in the middle of it and then you realize that you can go back to sleep which makes me so incredibly happy that I fall back asleep and have fabulous dreams! It was A-MAZING! And, incredibly long, too! I slept from 2:30 until 5:30 and woke up just in time to eat a delicious spaghetti dinner! We're always out of milk and bread, therefore I didn't really have anything to eat today so dinner was even more delicious.

Then LaChelle and I shared some of her M&M cookie dough and now I'm here! Sitting on a couch listening to the guy next to me watch youtube videos of cats farting...You would never be able to tell that I'm actually the youngest one here... I have to go upstairs to give an oral book report (on that book that I never finished...) in about twenty minutes. Then, LaChelle and I have a shower date - the showers are right next to each other so if you take a shower at the same time it's a great opportunity to discuss current events... :) Then we're going to make cookies and watch Wall-E on my laptop and fall asleep! Tomorrow is the first day of what will be a fairly normal week, I believe the topic of this week is "Holy Spirit"...I'm pretty sure I have no idea what that even entails, it seems to me like a bigger topic than can be discussed in 4 days of lectures...but we'll see! :)

Thank you all for your prayers! They really are very much appreciated! :)


P.S. can I just vent for a second? "That girl" (the one that's not necessarily the nicest person in the world) just walked in, looked at me and said, "smile Clancy. Jesus loves you and he says that I have to love you so you better smile."

I'm annoyed.


Sunday, September 26, 2010

Bondi Adventure!

I just had one of the fullest days of my life! Let me start from the beginning!

I woke up at 8AM, got dressed and headed out for the beach with LaChelle, Jo, Tony, Claudio, and Josh. We stopped by a waffle cafe and I had a waffle on a stick! It was ridiculously overpriced but delicious nonetheless! Then we hopped on the train and headed out to Bondi - our connecting train was having track work so we had to take two buses to get to the beach, but we made it there right as it started getting hot outside!

It was BEAUTIFUL!! The water was incredibly blue and the sand was gorgeous! There were about a million people there, but it was still great! We all laid our stuff out and the guys went out to surf while LaChelle took a nap and I wrote my book report. With the sun so nice and warm with just enough of a cool breeze it wasn't long until I was knocked out too! When I woke up (about an hour later) I found out that all the guys had come back in and fallen asleep too! All 6 of us were asleep on the sand!

Once we woke up we headed out to get some pizza to bring back and eat on the beach. One of LaChelle's friends from Tenesee moved to Sydney a year ago to be a bike messenger and live in a hostel, and he came and met up with us at the beach and told us all of the insider information about Sydney. By the time we finished our pizza it was about 4:30 so we started to head out to make in back in time to get to the 6:00 church service.

Well, apparently that's when everyone else in Bondi decides to get home too because we sat at the bus stop for an hour trying to catch a bus, but every one that by didn't even stop because it was already full from previous bus stops! So, we walked all the way down to the farthest bust stop and caught one bus to a train station, had to catch another one to a different station and finally made it to the correct train station and on the right train, after about two hours of traveling.

Then we all made ourselves comfortable for the hour-long train ride home. Well...about an hour and a half later we realized that we didn't recognize any of the train stops that we were passing - so we decided to look at the map. And, guess what, we were on the wrong train!! So, we had to wait for the train to get to the end of the line, sit there for 30-45 minutes, and turn back around. Then we had to get off at another station, find a different train, and FINALLY made it back to our "home station". And then there's the normal 30 minute walk home, that took a little bit longer because Jo hurt his foot and had to walk with a limp.

All in all it took us 5 hours to make what should have been a 1 1/2 hour long trip...needless to say, we missed church. But, I LOVED the adventure! I love getting lost, or tires being flat, or getting on the wrong train because it always ends up being and adventure and a great memory, or a miserable memory, but a memory nonetheless!

And it was definitely all worth it when I got to get home (weird that I've started calling this home...) and skype with my dad! Whenever I try to skype with my mom, sister and dad he's usually pretty silent, which makes sense considering it's insanely hard to get a word in edge-wise with us three! :) But, I love it when we get the opportunity to skype one-on-one like today! Oh, and it's my sister's birthday today!! I just have to give a little shout out to her! Happy Birthday Haven!! It was great here, I hope it's just as great in the states for you! :)

Today was really really fun but kind of hard too. To be completely honest, whenever we go out it's hard. Everywhere I look there are young couples holding hands and being cute together, enjoying the beach, the city, the opera house, everything! They're enjoying everything together...and I don't have a "together" person. I mean, I have LaChelle...but that doesn't count. :)

I'm sure that God is doing some amazing stuff with me but, it's really really hard. I'm sure you already know that I broke up with my boyfriend of two years (really, though it was more like 5 years) a few weeks ago. And, I totally agree that it was the right decision. However, it's SO hard!!! I just want someone to share stuff with, someone that's more than just a friend. Someone that knows my heart, both the good and the bad and still accepts me, in fact still loves me! Girlfriends like LaChelle and Guyfriends like Jo are great and I'm so incredibly glad that God has put them in my life, but I miss having a partner. So, even though this isn't a "spiritual prayer" you are welcome to pray for me in the relationship department if you want. My heart hurts pretty badly lately and it's incredibly hard to deal with heartbreak while I'm 8,000 miles away from my family.

But, don't get me wrong - I love it here. I'm really starting to develop great relationships with everyone here. We are all becoming incredibly close! It's going to be SOOOO hard to split everyone up for outreach! But, helloooo I'm going to Tahiti (it's still not official, but I'm speaking it into existence) and Vanuatu!!! How could I be sad about that?!?

Hey, did anyone realize that I've been here for a month?! It certainly doesn't feel like that, but sometimes it does! I feel like I've been here for a year, or a day, I can't decide! I have less than 5 months until I will again be asleep in my own bed! Weird!! But, until then I get to enjoy the comfort of wire springs stabbing into my back and loud doors opening and closing with every girl's bathroom break in the middle of the night! :)

Speaking of which, I think I'll go ahead and go enjoy that right now! :)

G'Night all!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

FULL DAY!!! :)

I have been up for 21 hours and it has finally caught up to me. But, I have just enough energy to update for all of you before I pass out (but I might not have enough energy to brush my teeth...)

Well, I woke up bright and early at 4:30, woke up LaChelle, read a fabulous e-mail from my mom and Ney Bailey (The people at my school affectionately know her as the female Jesus), made some major coffee and hopped in the bus next. I was one of about 12 people headed to Manly Beach to learn how to surf! But, I was the only one not on the "Boarders DTS" so, I definitely didn't get first dibs on learning - which was fine with me!

It took about an hour to get to the beach which meant we arrived there just after sunrise. The air was perfectly crisp, just enough to want to wear a sweatshirt but not too cold for bare feet. The sand here is the most wonderfully soft and delicious thing in the world, I'll try and bring some back for you. LaChelle and I headed into the shops to get some Hungry Jack's breakfast (literally the EXACT same thing as Burger King, just a different name) and headed out to go watch the surfers.

I was only sitting there about 30 minutes before I was convinced to get in and try my hand at surfing. However, I was the only one on the beach (literally, not even joking) without a wet suit...but I braved the freezing cold water and headed out to try and catch a wave. Because I didn't get priority that meant that I also didn't get the teacher, I got to watch her how to teach us on land but I had to go out with another student and try to surf by myself!! AND I had the smallest board (which is really hard to get up on). Well, you guessed it, the reason I'm telling all of this is because I don't want to sound incredibly lame when I tell you that I didn't get up... :) BUT I caught a wave and just road it in...maybe that makes it even dumber...

Well, after thoroughly exhausting myself I got out and tried to warm myself up. Thankfully by that time the sun had started to come out! So, Jo, Tony, LaChelle and I all took a walk on the beach and soaked up the delicious sunshine. Then we checked out some shops. I dropped LaChelle off at the beach and Jo and I headed back to the shops to pick out the perfect pair of sunglasses.

Then LaChelle took a nap on the beach while I read some more of that book. Finally we headed back to the base, on the way home we all took a nap in our damp sandy clothes. I rushed into the base with just enough time to take a quick shower and make myself a disgusting mushed boiled egg sandwich and head up to the youth street prayer meeting. I'll have to admit that I wasn't whole-heartedly in all of the prayers...BUT I did them nonetheless.

Then we headed out to the opera house! I was the "navigator" and the driver was very stressed and we were literally in a big breaking-down metal ball of death...but, after almost two hours of NOT taking my directions (which always ended up being right, thank you very much) we eventually made it to the parking lot (after circling the block three times...I'm telling you, just listen to the navigator). THEN, we walked out of the parking lot and had to decide whether we thought the opera house was to the left or to the right...well, I knew it was to the left. But, guess which way we the right! After walking a 3/4 mile to the right we finally decided to check the map and guess what...we were walking the opposite direction.

Needless to say, I was slightly frustrated but took the loneliness of the long walk to try and release that to God. Once we got to the opera house we met up with 6 other team members who took the train earlier today to go and save seats for us. We were all set up outside on the steps in front of a dance floor and a large TV screen on the side of a truck. We only had to wait about 45 minutes before the opening event happened, which was a disco band... It was fun watching all of the little kids dancing on the dance floor in front of a few hundred people but not caring one bit, I wish sometimes that I could be more like that.

Then one of the dancers from Happy Feet came out and taught us a penguin tap dance. It was so cute! And then we all watched Happy Feet together in the middle of Sydney Harbor with all of the twinkling lights, water, and interesting people around! It was wonderful!!! However, by 8:30 I was pretty worn out and ready to walk immediately back to the bus and get home. But, guess what, the lady I was with decided we should stop in the park and play games...?!?!

Sadly, I didn't hide my frustration very well... and I honestly feel really bad about it. I wasn't very respectful, but in a very smart and undetectable way...nothing to be proud of. But, I was SO annoyed!!! I had told her I was exhausted and would like to get back ASAP, and she responded with the most annoying chipper-ness and hugs and excitement but no actual acknowledgment of my statement. I don't know, it was worse than that but I've already vented to LaChelle so anymore repeating would just be complaints. But, I'd like to announce to you all that I am not frustrated anymore, it really does help me to vent - but sometimes it just turns into negativity.

I hope its just because I'm tired, but I feel super bad and negative lately. I don't like it.

Anyways, we finally got back to the car and started our hour long venture home. We got lost a few times (I gave up my navigator role and decided to be the DJ instead) so it really took us more like an hour and half to get back into our town. But, we had to drop off some of the kids and one of them lived waaaaay farther away than we originally guess what, in total it took almost three hours to get home! :)

Upon our arrival we were met by everyone waiting for us to get home so we could all eat birthday cake! Then I caught up with LaChelle, hung out with Jo and Tony and I am now finally finishing my blog!

Tomorrow we're getting up early again (not as early) and going down to Bondi beach to try and surf again! Wish me luck!! And please pray for this negative spirit to be released from me, it's annoying, which is making me feel more negative. Ugh. BUT I realy really really appreciate all of your prayers yesterday about me having enough energy to make it through the day. I remember typing that and thinking to myself "God, if I somehow make it through most of the day tomorrow without absolutely falling over asleep then I will KNOW that it is ONLY by your strength and everyone's prayers". And look at me! It's 1:00 in the morning and I'm still not in bed!!

Thank you all so much for being such prayer warriors, it gives me SUCH confidence being here knowing that everyone back at home supports me. I really do love you all, even the ones that I don't know. :)

G'NIGHT!! (It feels so good to type that, I can't wait to actually put it into action!)

Friday, September 24, 2010

Full Day Today and an Even Fuller Day Tomorrow!

Oh my goodness, I am for sure called to performing arts (I think)!! We just finished our first drama workshop of our DTS! If I go a long time without doing any sort of drama I sometimes forget how much I love it! Today was SO fun! We focused mostly on comedy today, which I like but drama is my love; BUT, it was still incredibly awesome!

Now since this is my "private" blog I can be completely honest and braggy, right? Well, I will anyways!! I got called out for being one of the two best!!!! :) She said I had a lot of strength and was like a leader :)

The funny thing is is that I started to write this blog before the workshop started and the beginning of it sounded something like this "wow, today has been a hard day. I've been incredibly tired and...etc." But, now I'm in a much different mood!

Anyways, let me tell you about my day:

It WAS in fact a very hard day because I felt like I never really woke up. I have always been a morning person, and even though the initial act of getting out of bed is a struggle, once I'm up I am up for the day. BUT, today I felt like I was about to fall asleep every five seconds.

I woke up, hit the snooze button, fell asleep, woke up again, rolled out of bed, went to devotionals, had a quiet time, fell asleep during my quiet time, woke up went to worship, almost fell asleep during worship (but, he had all of us stand up b/c we were all falling asleep), went to morning tea then we had lectures, I almost fell asleep during lectures, then we were sent off to go do a mental assignment. The assignment was to picture yourself going through every room of your house and asking God to reveal to you anything that you've done wrong in that room....I'll keep my revelations to myself :) Then go through the steps of asking forgiveness to cleanse ourselves so we can have a clear conscience.

Welllll, without going into detail about what I THOUGHT about the lecture, I'll just let you know what happened during my mental guessed it, I fell asleep. But, I didn't just fall asleep during the 30 minutes allotted for the assignment...No, I fell asleep during that, plus the time we were supposed to reconvene and pray, plus lunch, plus the hour long break after lunch, and into my "chipin in" time. They had to call me over the intercom to get me to wake up and come help in the kitchen.

I've felt kinda sick all day and sleeping helped a little bit but I woke up with a pounding headache that has yet to fully recede. I think I'm just getting worn out and tired from such full-on work, I haven't been getting to bed earlier than 11:15 lately and am always (well, it's supposed to be always) up by 6:45 and my brain and body is working all day long!

Even if I needed to rest I definitely won't be able to get any tomorrow! I am waking up at 4:45 (No, that is NOT a typo...I MEANT to say 4:45 AM) in the morning to go watch the borders DTS surf! They said that if they have time then they'll teach me how to surf too, but since they only own 1 surf board and are borrowing another one I don't necessarily get first dibs. BUT, I'll still be there for the verbal explanation and on-land practice!

We won't get back until about 11:30 which will give me just enough time to shower the sand off my body and change into some warm clothes because I'll then be heading out with a group of girls (for Youthstreet dance team) to the Opera house! We'll get there at 3 in the afternoon, hang out at the harbor for a few hours (while some of us wait in line to get a good "seat") then the we're going to watch Savion Glover (the choreographer of Happy Feet and the world's best tap dancer) dance for us! Then after nightfall we're all going to watch Happy Feet projected outside of the Sydney Opera House!!

So, my day tomorrow will start at 4:45 and won't be over until about 10:30 or 11:00 at the earliest...Please please PLEASE pray for my health and energy tomorrow! I'm really going to need His supernatural help to stay awake, alert, and NOT grumpy (LaChelle isn't coming to the opera house so I'm not even going to be able to vent to anyone but God!!)

I am about to fall over asleep right now, SO I'm going to go put my swimsuit on (Yeah, I'm going to sleep in my swimsuit so I can just roll out of bed, make coffee, and get in the van for the beach) brush my teeth and GO TO BED!!!

G'Night everyone! :)

Thursday, September 23, 2010

I Liked the Idea of Running in Australia...

At this moment I feel like I'm about to cough my lungs out and then fall over, and I love it.

Let me explain: LaChelle and I decided that we needed to run (I did it b/c I felt gross aaaaand because I liked the thought of being cool and running in know it's all about the image), soooo we ran to McDonald's to get ice cream :) That's a very logical decision, correct? Well, it's about a mile to McDonalds, which to a non-runner sounds so easy, until I actually started running. We didn't stop running at all, which was mainly due to the fact that I was listening to Kings of Leon the whole time, which makes me feel like I'm running away from something, like for dear life.

Once we arrived and caught our breath (it only took us like 11 minutes! Really good for me b/c I NEVER run!) and bought a large ice cream sundae with extra chocolate fudge and an Oreo McFlurry. And after eating that we decided we also wanted a large fry. But, we took too long to eat it and I had a skype date with my sister in 10, you guessed it, we ran back with full stomachs - a bad decision, but worth it for my lovely family! :)

With all of that being said, this will probably be a shorter post because I neeeed to get in bed! But, let me at least tell you about my day!

I woke up late (another reason I need to start getting to bed earlier) and had to have a very rushed and small breakfast (which really did make me eat more today, how weird!!) then we had a quick devotional and went off to our quiet time. Well... we were supposed to go off to our quiet time, but I took a shower...don't tell ;) BUT I listened to worship music while I showered and had read a Bible verse to meditate on while I was washing up, does that count? :)

Then we went to our work duties for the morning which have switched because its the end of our first 3 week rotation! WOAH!!! LaChelle and I both picked the dining room because it's the easiest and you're always done in about ten minutes...brilliant. PS do I talk about LaChelle too much? Let me know. Well, even if you say I do, I don't care I'll still do it...I guess I was just acting polite by suggesting it. Man, I love having a blog! What power!!! I can do anything I want, even if you ask me not to!!! :) It's my form of rebellion - I love it!

Anyways, we had a very long lecture following our work duties. This week is about the Fear of God like I mentioned earlier - and I'm still having some trouble. Is it bad that I'd rather be too grace-oriented than "equally balanced"? I don't know, I'll let you know what I figure out when God tells me!

Then we had lunch, we almost allllllways have either mashed up boiled egg sandwiches or tuna sandwiches for lunch....bleh. But, it's better than nothing. Oh, yeah, and we're supposed to be going on a 24 hour fast from complaining, so I guess that means that I have to act like I like those sandwiches...but you know better. :)

My team had evangelism today which meant that we prayed, asked God for guidance and then went into a mall and found whatever He asked us to! I thought that God told me to go find a specific juice stand and so two other people and I went to look for a juice stand. And we found one! It was called "The Juice Man" and we met the man himself! I had mango pineapple juice which was AMAZING! So we all just started talking to him! At first he was really stand-offish, he wouldn't really answer my questions, he didn't make eye-contact, and he even said that his favorite flavour of juice was water...BUT, but the end of it he was incredibly engaged and even laughing! We met his son and heard his whole life story! He moved from China to Australia 20 years ago and brought his family and became the juice man! :) There were a few other cool people that we talked to while we were there, but you know what? We didn't even mention Jesus once!! We just built relationships! And I think that that was what God wanted! I think... :)

Anyways, after that we headed home, had dinner, cleaned up, had a little down time to read our books that we have to write a book report on by Monday...I pride myself in being a REALLY good B.S.-er so I'm not too worried about actually finishing the book...yeah, I'm at a missionary school cheating on my homework, that's why Jesus died for me.

After all of that LaChelle and I started off on our jogging adventure - oh, I forgot to mention that we got hollered at by two different cars while jogging...Australia is a little crazy - anyways, I now find myself here writing to you all!! Tomorrow is another pretty full day, but a little bit less so than tonight! Hopefully I'll get some more sleep - I feel like I'm getting a little sick, but it might just be all of that stuff I'm getting out of my lungs from running! Just keep me in your prayers just in case!

I love writing to you all! I have no clue how many people are reading it but even if it's just my mom then it's still worth it! And it makes it even all the better because I know it's not just her!! :)


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Hillsong Healing Seminar


I just got back from the second and last night of Hillsong's Healing Seminar! It was amazing, but way too short! I wish it could have been two weeks instead of two nights! And definitely longer than two and a half hours each night! But, I enjoyed the time that I did have!

The first night was with Dr. Robi Sonderegger who basically spoke over the scientific backing of the verse that tells us to "renew our spirit by the transformation of our mind". And he went into all of this scientific detail and everything about how that makes literal sense and it totally real!!! Oh, it was SO good!

Then tonight a man named Sy Rogers spoke about the steps of healing emotionally and sexually and he told his own personal story of redemption! He was hilarious and very very helpful!! I absolutely LOVE Hillsong and it's always hard for me to leave :(
I'm really looking into/praying about maybe attending Hillsong college but that's just a possibility! You can definitely keep me in your prayers if you want! :)

This week we're learning about "The Fear of the Lord" and in all honesty it is kinda hard for me to receive. Like, it's hard for me to reconcile everything about God like his love versus power/ fear. I don't know. I mean, God has kind of started to reveal the answers/ask me more questions (weird how he does that...) BUT the actual process of finding those answers is a little bit tiring and kind of weary-ing. (is that a word?)

Anyways, it's almost 11:30 here and I've got a big day tomorrow!! Please continue to pray for me!! I love and miss you all! But I'm really loving it here! :)

G'Night, and sleep tight, don't let the kangaroos bite! :)

Sunday, September 19, 2010

My Day So Far...


Today has been relaxing and wonderful! I slept in until 10AM then woke up and got to skype with my dad! He's in California right now so the time zone thing was PERFECT! Then I found LaChelle awake so we both made some pancakes (with the most disgusting syrup EVER) and hung out with some guys in the kitchen. Then we got dressed and headed over to the shops. We got attacked by a bird on our way there!! They have these BIG birds that are fine during most of the year but during the spring they get REEEEALLY territorial and they attack anyone who gets near their tree, one girl even started bleeding b/c she got attacked on her head.

We normally cut through a field to get to the shops because it's a lot faster but there are a bunch of trees and scary birds there...But, we braved it today and were on the homestretch and then we looked behind us and there was a HUGE bird with his wings spread out screaming at us. So we started yelling and sprinted into the mall with our purses over our heads looking like idiots, and it flew up and tried to get us!! But, we were fine, just a little scared.

After actually arriving at the mall we went and bought some fruit, coffee, and air freshener (our room smells bad alllllll the time....ew) and I tried to fix my phone. Ends up I totally bought the worst plan ever that is WAY too expensive so LaChelle said I could just borrow hers and we'd split the monthly cost! :)

I sent off a birthday letter to my sister (so bittersweet) and stopped by the bank. LaChelle needs to do a wire transfer from her account in the states to an Australian account but no banks will do it for her! So, keep her in your prayers please!! Then we braved the walk back home and ended up getting back to the base safely and bird-attack free.

This morning was good and bad - I woke up reeeeeally missing my ex boyfriend (we just broke up while I was here and we've been together for two years). But, LaChelle and Jo have been helping me a lot and are both incredibly sweet, thank you God!!

Now I'm waiting to take a walk to get ice cream with Jo and then we're all going to go watch one of the students get baptized!!!

I'll try and update again later today to tell you about the rest of my day, but as of yet I'm doing great (with a few hard moments thrown in)!! Thank you all for your prayers! :)


Beach Day!

We went to the beach today!!! My first time to go since I got here! :)

LaChelle and I went to a local church that went on for waaaaay too long and then booked it to the beach. It took a total of two hours to get from our house to the beach because we had to take a two mile walk to the train station, an hour long train ride to downtown, switched trains, took the next train for fifteen minutes to the ferry place and then took a 25 minute ferry ride to the beach...but, it was SO worth it!

We met up with a group of other people from my school and watched some of the guys surf - which was INSANE because it was sooo cold today! There was no sun out and it was very windy, I wasn't brave enough to get in the water but it was fun to look at it. Then we went shopping for a while and got some Thai food at this little tiny third story apartment building restaurant overlooking the beach. Afterward we all got ice cream that we bought with the $20 we found on the train over!

By that time it was dark outside and we started the long trek home. Half of us fell asleep on the ferry home and me and LaChelle go hit on some by some surfers who didn't speak english. Then we caught our trains home, on which we ALL fell asleep and I woke up behind someones back...good thing I knew her!

By this time it was FREEZING outside and I had flip-flops and leggings on, so I put in my headphones, turned on some upbeat music and matched my footsteps to the BPM which got me home in no time. And I LOVED the release of walking all alone at night (people were behind me mom, so if I got kidnapped they would have seen need to worry) But, for all intensive purposes I was alone in Sydney, power walking to music and it was A-MAZING!

Now, I'm back at the base getting ready for a girl's sleepover in an empty room full of mattresses... :) I have really started to love it here, I like the people a lot - They always annoy me on Saturdays, though, because I'm so exhausted, but besides that I like them a lot!

I've been SO busy and my days have been so full lately that I haven't had time to update! But, tomorrow I'm not going anywhere (besides the bank) so I'll be able to update a longer post, I hope, and even add some pictures! Feel free to comment any questions you have and I'll try to answer them too!

G'NIGHT Everyone!!!

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Super Fast Summary

Hello everyone!

This is going to be an insanely quick update!

Basically, the last few days have been AMAZING! I had over 6 hours of healing and I was in a group of only 9! I have a new adopted brother, which I'm super excited about - he reminds me a LOT of Tucker!

Today we all went ice skating with Youthstreet all dressed up as superheroes!! I dressed up as EVE in all white, blue "eyes" painted on me and I carried around my Wall-e doll. Then I convinced LaChelle to dress up as Wall-e once she got back from the beach (they went surfing at 5 in the morning...)

It was SO fun! Then we had our little Youthstreet night service and I got to play the part of "Phillip" who had the super power of transporting places and running really fast, all of the kids loved it!

Tomorrow we have a "day off" but are required to go to, dare I say, a BORING church. UGH. Oh, well, Monday I think LaChelle and I are going to wake up super early and go to the beach!!! :)

I'll have time to upload pictures tomorrow and update you all more!

I like you all, please continue to pray for me!


Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Roller Coaster Update!! (Read Previous Blog First)

Here's a little update to my previous blog:

I sat outside by myself for a while listening to music (guess who I listened to...) and then I just sat there in the dark and talked to God for a while. It was okay - but my heart was still aching.

Then I saw a cat and followed it for a little bit - nothing supernatural happened, though.

Then I went upstairs and sat in the worship hall with the lights off for a while and listened to more music, looked at pictures, and acted like I was playing God at speed on my iphone.

Even though I wasn't really feeling better I guess I realized something...I was "alone". I was my worst fear. Alone and out of reach of others. Everyone at home was asleep so even if I had tried to contact them they wouldn't be able to answer (and I didn't even try to contact them, which is a MAJOR breakthrough in and of itself). And, I was okay. I wasn't necessarily overjoyed to be alone, but I wasn't terrified!!

It's a start, right?

Well, after about an hour or so by myself I went downstairs to putz around on the internet and ended up catching a ride to the supermarket. I bought some mango icecream and then ran into some girls from my school. We all walked back together and had a late night snack.

Now, I'm waiting for my mom to get on skype so we can have a date.

I'm still not completely better and I still don't feel completely joyful but, I faced my worst fear and overcame it - and it wasn't even that makes me scared that it was just the first of many times I'll have to face it. But, it'll be like a little altar on my road that I can look back at and remember what God did during that time!

I'm glad I had time to update everyone that my day was indeed a roller coaster of emotions as opposed to a downward spiral, and right now I'm on the plateau that will bring my little roller coaster cart back to dock so I can go to sleep for the night. Just in time to get up for another ride tomorrow! :)


Roller Coaster or Spiraling Dowfall?

Today has been so up and down - so I'm sure that this blog will reflect that. But, let me tell you quickly about last night's lecture. It was on "The Father Heart of God" and was awesome! We watched a video on youtube called "The Most Movie" - it was a REAL tearjerker and I highly recommend watching it. Before I went to bed I listened to "Why?" by Nichole Nordeman and imagined God thinking of me as he died on the cross. That all added up to a wonderful night's sleep.

Now on to today:

It was fasting day today so I was able to sleep in an extra half an hour...well, I would have been able to if all the other people with INSANELY loud alarms didn't forget that it was fasting day and wake me up early...lame. Then we had our devotional which I got to play a part in, it was super fun. My quiet time was great and I painted a picture in "His Dwelling Place".

After that we had an hour of intercessory prayer for Nigeria, India, and a student who lives in Nigeria who couldn't get their visa. I miiiiight have fallen asleep a little bit...I'm still working on liking intercession.

Then began our second lecture on "The Father Heart of God". It was very nice, full of stories and sweet things about God. Then we watched a youtube video about a boy who wanted to run a marathon with his dad, so they ran one together. Then he told his daddy that he always wanted to participate in an iron man marathon but knew he never could - so he and his dad did it together. What was amazing was that the little boy was paralyzed and his dad pulled a floating boat during the swimming part, pushed him in a wheelchair during the running part, and biked with him in front during the biking part. The boy knew that he could never run in an iron man, but with the dad carrying him all the way he was able to accomplish his goal. WOW. It was such a powerful picture of Philippians 4:13!

Then we took a 20 minute break and wrote down all the things that feel like we can NOT ever do. I'll share with you my list because I think that the more I speak my fears out the more open I will be to healing - but please be nice, it's very vulnerable.

1)I feel like I'll never be whole. I feel like I will always be needy, I feel like I will always be dependent on another human, I feel like I will always be let down and hurt and disappointed by the person I most love because of the amount of pressure I put on them.

2)I feel like I won't choose correctly for my life. I'm scared that I am going to choose based on my emotions and my feelings and end up really messing up my life and being miserable.

3) I feel like I'll never be able to be completely confident in myself, in who God made me to be. Because I look to others so often that my idea of myself will always be based on what other people think.

4) I'm scared that I'll never be able to have and/or stick to my own opinion. I feel like all of my thoughts are based on what other people say and believe and it often changes with the wind.

5) I'm terrified that I will end up in a marriage with the wrong guy, that I will have to spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't make me feel loved or pursued or important and I'll constantly be hurt and disappointed. I'm scared taht I'll never be able to wait long enough to find the right guy because that would mean being on my own and I don't feel like I'll ever be able to do that.

6)I am absolutely completely and utterly terrified that I won't ever be able to get over my all-consuming fear of abandonment. It is such an overwhelmingly huge and deeply rooted fear that shows up in almost every aspect of my life, I don't think I will ever be healed from it in order to become whole.

Well, as you can most likely imagine I felt slightly depressed after 20 minutes of writing things that I can never do on my own. But, I assumed that we would get back together and start discussing these things and start the healing process...but no. We literally just got back together and continued on with our lecture...not even mentioning our list?!! It was very hard to concentrate on the rest of the lecture because I was so incredibly overwhelmed by my list.

After our lecture we had another hour long intercession and to be honest I was NOT in the mood to pray for other people's problems while I had so many of mine on the forefront of my mind. But, we changed it up by breaking into small groups and praying over 7 different things OUTSIDE! And there is definitely something healing about the Australian sun because I left that intercession time feeling more wonderful than ever!

Then began our work duties...and THE girl. Yeah, there's this girl here who I literally can NOT stand! She's sarcastic ALLLLLLL the time, and mean, and annoying. She's too talkative and overbearing and makes fun of me ALL the time and is the most sarcastic person I have EVER met in my entire life. And guess who was on my work duty guessed it, HER!!!

I decided I would just ignore all of her comments and focus on cooking, cleaning, and setting the tables. But, apparently I have a sign on my back that says "I'm really fragile today, why don't you come and harass me?!" Because another guy started hurting my feelings. I'm sure I was being incredibly sensitive and over-analyzing everything he said, but it still hurt my feelings and sent me into even more of an isolation bubble.

Finally dinner was made and I ran upstairs to set a "venting date" with LaChelle, ate a quick dinner in mostly silence, then came down here to write. LaChelle just had to leave for a feeding program so I probably won't be able to vent for a while.

All I want to do right now is cry. I'm tired, overwhelmed, lonely, sad, slightly depressed, annoyed, hurt, and frustrated. I KNOW that satan is trying to steal this week from me because it's going to be such a powerful week of healing, and as of yet it feels like he's winning.

Well, my "roller coaster of emotions" day actually seems to be more of a "spiraling down into depression" day...prayers would be much appreciated. Thank you.

There is a little teeny tiny part of me that is kind of looking forward to being so lonely - I guess I'll never heal from this fear of abandonment until I am able to really feel abandoned and turn to Him....but it's a pretty teeny tiny part that's excited. Teeny tiny.

G'night everyone.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Great Day

Hello everyone!

Today's the first day of the week, again. I had a wonderful weekend!! It was nice and relaxing and LaChelle and I even went out and grabbed some coffee with a girl named Mika who works with Christine Caine. It was incredible to just get father away from the base than driving distance and even more amazing being able to talk with such a cool person!!

Today I woke up and had an early breakfast, a great quiet time with God and then worship. During worship I got really scared. I'm really really scared that I'm not going to change, I'm scared that I'm not going to be able to heal fully and I'm just going to go back home the same person with the same problems that I had three weeks ago. I know in my head that that's not true and blah blah blah but you know what? I'm still scared!!

Anyways, it was a fabulous day after that! We had our work duties which LaChelle and I finished early so we deeeeeeep cleaned and re-organized our room! It was FABULOUS and looks wonderful!! (Well, as wonderful as a room full of 10 girls suitcases and junk can look!)

PS LACHELLE IS GOING ON THE SAME OUTREACH AS ME!!!!!!!!!! Well, we at least found out that we both chose the same outreach location, it's still not finalized that we'll both be able to go on it b/c of space....but, I'm pretty sure it'll happen (I'll let you know what we picked when I find out)!!! But, guess what....we unknowingly picked the most expensive outreach....but, don't worry I'll talk more about that later ;)

The other day when we were having coffee the lady asked us "so, you guys are like besties right?" and I was waaaaay too scared to answer yes for fear of jumping in too far too fast so I just smiled and said "We've only known each other for three weeks". BUT GUESS WHAT??!! LaChelle nodded her head YES to her answer!! WOAH! So the lady decided that we were "accidental besties", and I like that assesment. But, don't tell LaChelle - I'm still trying to be the "casually cool one" in the relationship...I don't want to seem desperate... :)

Anyways, after lunch we had our first lecture of the week. Our base leader Etienne is teaching again this week and he's teaching on the topic of "The Father Heart of God". It's supposed to be a real tear-jerker. I think it will be really nice to have a very very emotional teaching this week in contrast to last weeks very theological and intellectual teaching. I'm looking forward to it, especially because Etienne teaches through stories - which I enjoy!

Right now we have dinner (which is INSANE because it feels like I JUST woke up... the days have already started to fly...I've already been here almost a month!!!!) and then we have another lecture at 7 until 9 after which I'll take a shower and then try to get to bed early.

As of yet it looks like this week will be a very fabulous week; however, I've realized that my emotions are very similar to a roller coaster...But I'm learning to appreciate how deep my feelings are even if that means they're deeply high and deeply low...sometimes at the same time. :) I love being a girl!!

It's my sister's birthday in a few weeks - which I know will be insanely hard for me :( But that's just a side note, it really has nothing to do with my day right now. I just thought I'd add it! :)

Okay, G'Bye everyone!!!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Dear Haven...

For one of my homework assignments I was asked to write a letter to a friend back home about how my friendship with God has developed since I got here, so I chose my best friend, my sister!!!

I've slept most of today and worked on homework the rest of it, now I'm about to go out to get coffee with someone who works for Hillsong so I decided I'd just post the letter as my blog update for today! I hope you enjoy!! :)

Dear Haven,

Hello! I’m supposed to write a letter to a friend back home and share with them about how my friendship with God has developed since I’ve arrived here at my DTS, so I chose you!! It’s really weird writing a letter that you know someone else is going to read AND grade…But, here it goes!

Well, when I first arrived I had kind of tried to live my life like I was “talking to God all the time” but avoid actually talking to Him. I had avoided doing a “real” quiet time for weeks because the way I thought I should do them always bored me and I knew that I had been ignoring God for a while so I was too embarrassed to start talking to Him again. The first day we had classes they told us to go out and do an hour long quiet time and it was all I could do to not laugh – or cry. I couldn’t even imagine sitting there and talking to God for an hour!! And, you know what? I didn’t! I wrote in my journal and prayed for about twenty minutes, maybe thirty and then I just sat there and looked at ants walking around on the ground until we were told to come back inside.

That first quiet time kind of discouraged me a little because I still didn’t necessarily “feel” God and it seemed like everyone else did! But, you know what started happening? I don’t even know when, but I started falling in love with God! I started writing him love letters and thanking him for things he’s done in my life, and I started feeling his presence – almost tangibly!! And by last week I started wanting even longer quiet times! I signed up to spend an hour in “His Dwelling Place” every Wednesday which makes my quiet time almost two hours long – and I LOVE IT!!

God and I have actually become really great friends! I’d really call him my best friend, (besides you of course!)! I mean, I still feel this need to go to humans for comfort when I’m sad but, I think that feeling has started to wane at least a little bit. We learned in one of our lectures that when we have pain we usually go to two places to deal with it: Pleasure – like a human being or food, etc. or Power – usually we are in pain b/c we’re not in control so we try to use power to regain control. And, that’s been SO true in my life!! Whenever I’m in pain I’ve always gone to people to comfort me but, I’m really really hoping that by the end of this DTS I’ll be going to God for that comfort because I know that He really is the best hugger in the world! Well…maybe I don’t wish that because that would mean that I have to go through more pain while I’m here, and I don’t want that! :)

I think I’m supposed to include some Bible verses in this letter…so unnatural, but I want an “A” so let me just get really spiritual really quickly! :) So, I was reading the Lord’s holy word and these verses just rose off the page and spoke to me! (Actually….I Googled them…) The first one is 1 John 4:8 it says “The person who refuses to love doesn’t know the first thing about God, because God is love.” That has spoken to me because it’s becoming more and more real to me lately, love isn’t just a characteristic of God, it is God. You can’t separate the two! So, every time I interact with Him He always responds with love – always!

The second verse that I thought of was Ephesians 1:4-5 which says, “Long before he laid down earth’s foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ.” And, what this pretty much says to me is that God’s whole entire purpose of creating me is to be my friend!! What the heck?!? Seriously?! YEAH!! I wasn’t created just to worship Him, or bring Him glory, or work for Him, I was created to be His friend! So, my greatest act of worship is just talking with Him and saying, “hey, I like you!” WOW!

I miss you haven! And you’re my best friend on earth and the BEST sister ever!! I can’t wait to come home and tell you MORE about what I’m learning, especially when there’s not someone else reading what I’m telling you! :)

I love you sister!!



G'Night all!!

Saturday, September 11, 2010


Hello all! I'm absolutely way too exhausted to write a blog. I'm frustrated because I'm exhausted and they keep pushing us waaaay too hard. Everyone in my school is aggravated, but not at each other, we're all just aggravated at everything.

Just a quick update: Last nights message was fabulous, it was about God our warrior and we all got anointed by a Samoan guy to be warriors. Today has been long and tiring and very boring. Then we had Youth Street but our Bollywood dance teacher was two hours we learned an Argentinian folk dance while we waited. One of the guys from Switzerland is a ballroom dancer so he taught me some moves which was fun! I'll post the video on facebook sometime, he dipped me almost all the way to the ground!

Now I'm sitting here with my toes hurting completely exhausted and quick annoyed at the fact that I have to go listen to another three hour lecture tonight.

Isn't that weird? That I can pretty much meet Jesus and then two days later be totally annoyed at having to go listen to a lecture. Well, actually, that makes kind of a lot of sense to me considering on average we've been spending more hours in lectures than we have been sleeping....I'm so tired.

Well, one cool thing is that I found out where the outreach options are! Here they are:

1. Papua New Guinea and Indonesia (That's a hiking, walking, camping outreach to reach those people that are in rural villages)

2. Mexico City

3. Tahiti and Vanuatu

I have one that I DEFINITELY want to go on!!!!! Please pray that God will open the doors for me to be able to go there!! I'll let you know where I'm going when I find out for sure!

Okay, I'm going to go be annoyed and tired somewhere else.

Goodbye. (I didn't even use a cute "g'something"...that means I'm really frustrated).

Thursday, September 9, 2010

I'm a really big fan of yours...


Apparently Texas and Australia have more in common than just me being here! It's been raining here like crazy!!! Well, crazy as in drizzling and a few rain showers...but, still, I think it's weird that its raining at the exact same time in two places on other sides of the really is a small world. :)

Let me start by telling you about my evening last night! We had our "conference meeting" but it was "national themed" so, you either dressed up in your cultural dress or you adopted a nation and dressed in their cultural dress. Well, since my "cultural dress" would be jeans and a T-shirt I adopted Tahiti as my nation and wore a pareu (like a sarong dress). We watched a traditional Samoan fire dance, a beautiful hula dance, and sang every song in a different language. I LOVED it! Then we had a time of pure praise and everyone was free to worship however they wanted to! They passed around the mike so everyone could praise out loud in their own language if they wanted to!

To be completely honest I don't normally like times like this because I feel like what I "should" say is all these big words of praise about how vastly huge God is and how his power is like the sun and blah blah blah. BUT, this time all I could even utter out of my mouth was "I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you..." I must have whispered it to Him two hundred times! But, it wasn't just me telling him that I loved Him, it was Him telling me "Clancy, this is what I whisper to you all day every day...I love you"

I found myself on my knees with my head in my hands, my hair sticking to my damp face, and then it felt like my head was on fire. And I asked, "Holy Spirit is that you?!" And my ears started to feel like they were burning, it was like I was in this huge hot cloud. So I said, "Jesus, are you here?" And I immediately felt like he was RIGHT in front of my face, and this first thing I thought was "I'm a really big fan of yours!!"....WHAT?!?! Did I seriously just say that?! Yep.

No joke, at all. The first thing that came to my mind when I felt Jesus right near me was "I'm a really big fan of yours"....I can't believe it! As soon as I realized what I said I started busting out laughing! It was such a heartfelt laugh, too. It was like Jesus was laughing with me!

But, you know what? It was the truth! I'm more than just a "fan" of his, I really really admire everything He's done and everything He's doing - and I was honestly starstruck by him! :) But, I think it meant a lot to him, I mean He made me and He knows how I talk and knows that that was the most sincere reaction I could have possibly uttered.

And from that moment on I felt this absolute joy, appreciation, and love the entire service! It was like when I got down to my truest absolute core I found that my personality that I show to people is REALLY who I am! I mean, if that's how I react when it's just me and my Jesus and no one else is even paying attention then that's WHO I am. I don't need to be ashamed of hiding my personality! Jesus loves it, and hopefully in his power He'll make it so other people do too! :)

After a GREAT evening of worship and release of past pain I hung out with my roomates for some girl bonding time before bed! I LOVE living with a bunch of girls! They're SO fun!

This morning we had a pretty normal morning of work duties and breakfast then we had an absolutely insanely long lecture from 9AM to 1PM!! I then ate a quick light lunch and went outside to enjoy the springtime on the swing while talking to a friend. It was amazing!

Now I think I will go put up some pictures of my week and then try and steal a quiiiiiick nap before we have a worship "concert" (I think their definition of the word "concert" and "conference" are different than mine...but we'll see)

Also, I was just informed that our internet is being shut down again for about a week or more :( So, my updates might be very short and scarce b/c I'll have to walk to the coffee shop and pay 5 bucks for 30 minutes of internet :( BUT maybe your hard core prayers can get the internet up and running in a day or two!

OOOH, and tomorrow we learn where our outreach locations are!!!!! I'll let you all know as soon as I can! But, I can't tell you what I decide until Monday (we're supposed to keep it a secret except from family until we announce it to the school).

G'Night everyone!! :)

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Sailing on a Ship

WOW!! Thank you everyone for letting me know that I'm heard! And, that I'm prayed for!! It means SO much to me!

Today has been incredibly full, and it's only 2 PM!

I had an early wake-up call of 5:30 because my team had to make 200 pancakes to distribute to local school kids. Last night I wanted to cry just at the thought of waking up that early but, so far it's been the best part of my day! It was SO fun being the ONLY ones awake on the base! We were all in the kitchen listening to music, spilling milk & flour everywhere, and grilling (and nibbling on) massive amounts of pancakes! I was the worst pancake maker of the group...I habitually flipped them too early and they always turned out albino looking. But, they tasted just fine to me!

After making the pancakes we headed upstairs for one last lecture with Tom Hallas from 7:30 to 8:30, he explained how some things get incredibly lost in translation and he corrected some of those mistakes in the Bible, very interesting. After that "short" lecture we headed to our morning work duties and then up to the worship hall for the beginning of "God's Heart for the Nations Conference".

We're having a "conference" here at our base (the guests consist of my schoolmates, the staff, the invited speakers, and about 3 other people...weird to call that a "conference" but, whatever.) We have morning sessions and evening sessions which began last night. Today's session began at 10 and ended at 1:00 with a short 10 minute break at 11. Just remember, that's in addition to the hour long lecture this morning and then another two hour long session tonight. If you add correctly that's 6 hours of teaching in ONE day...needless to say, my mind is having a LOT of trouble staying focused...and awake.

Anyways, after a quick bite to eat I took an even quicker shower - which was DELICIOUSLY warm, (It's STILL freezing here...if you ever want to get me a present send me WARM SOCKS with cute designs on them, its like my new thing!!) :)

In approximately thirty minutes I'll head out with my team to help host an indigenous youth group, then straight back here to clean up dinner and immediately attend the conference tonight. It makes me tired just typing it.

But, for this short while I have a break - a much needed and much appreciated break. I feel as if those will become few and far between soon, but maybe by then I'll be used to functioning on passion alone.

On a fabulous note, I found out that my family MIGHT come visit me soon!!! Well, soon as in for my "graduation" in February! I'm trying to convince them to take Kev too :) So, to all my prayer warriors please keep that in mind ;)

Before I leave I wanted to share with you some lyrics that I think describe what I'm going through VERY well! They're by Phil Wickham (of course...):

A voice is on the wind
It calls me further in
I'm heading deeper into Your heart
Your mark is on my chest
My sails filled with your breath
You guide me by the light of the sun

I'm sailing on a ship that's bound for life
I wrestle with the wind against the tide
I'd leave it all behind to reach for more
I'm sailing on to Your golden shore, to Your golden shore

The skies go blue to grey
And I'm thrown from wave to wave
You still will hear these lungs singing hard
With every storm I face
I find a greater grace
That pulls me deeper into Your heart

I'm sailing on a ship that's bound for life
I wrestle with the wind against the tide
I'd leave it all behind to reach for more
I'm sailing on to Your golden shore, to Your golden shore

(end of lyrics)

I often times find that lyrics express my complex feelings far better than I can, and those lyrics really express them well! I absolutely feel like I'm on this journey with God, but not just WITH him I'm actually headed somewhere; there's a definite destination that I'm going to get to - I just don't know where it is yet. There are times when I feel like I'm thrown from one wave to the next, but I know that he hears me when I cry out with my little tiny human lungs and He pulls me close to his warm heart. It's not the easiest "sail" I've ever had, I really do have to wrestle against the winds and tides of myself, my own desires, my own distractions, even people that sometimes hold me back, but as soon as I let go of all of those things it opens my hands to reach for more of him. And when it gets so hard that I feel like I can't do it alone, I realize that I'm not - my sails are "filled with HIS breath", I don't have to push so hard to fill my own sails HE does it for me. And, no matter if the skies are blue or grey I can always look to His face and remember that this ship I'm on is bound for life, not death, not pain, not "hard work to make me stronger, it is really bound for absolute LIFE - abundant, golden, warm, FULL LIFE! It makes me feel alive just typing it!

And then when I think about how much this song touches my heart I remember how sad I am that Phil Wickham is married... :)

Anyways, I just thought you would all want to know how my heart's doing and not just how my body is! Now I'm off to play some "handball" with some little kiddos!

G'Later Everyone!!! :)

Empty Stomach and Exhausted Mind

Hello again!

Today was fasting day again! So currently I am sitting, completely bloated with about a pound of rice in my stomach because my eyes were soooo huge after we broke the fast...and I LOVE IT! I LOVE FOOD!

Today has been SO full! It started with an extra long quiet time in "His Dwelling Place" where I enjoyed Phil Wickham, wrote, and even painted a few pictures! Then we had 3 1/2 hour lecture (which blew my mind) followed by 45 minutes of prayer, then a youth street meeting, then I helped make dinner! Once it was time for dinner we had 30 minutes of worship, which was sooooo hard to concentrate during, and then rushed downstairs to stuff my face!! :)

We have all been extremely exhausted today, both physically and mentally, and we have another 2 hour meeting in about thirty minutes.

I know my blogs haven't been very long lately :( But, maybe soon something super exciting will happen! And, no one has been commenting on them lately so I wonder if anyone's even reading them....(yes that is a blatant cry for response).

Now, I'm off to have a little "Coca Cola Date" with LaChelle and discuss how we can do some preventative work on our relationship (suggested by my mother)! I'm very excited!!

I like you all! And will try to write tomorrow, even though it's the busiest day of the week for me!! Pray for a good night's sleep tonight, I'm going to need it!!


Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Balancing Day


Today has been relatively uneventful. But, I guess I need those days in order to balance out the radically awesome ones and the incredibly awful days too. So, I guess today was my balancing day, which is okay.

The morning consisted of waking up late, quiet time (I bought two new Phil Wickham albums which I LOVE!!!!), cleaning the dining room, an hour of worship, cleaning the dining room again, pealing potatoes, giving advice to a girl, moving TONS of stuff from the first floor to the third floor, lunch, three hour lecture, dinner and now my update. In about ten minutes I have to go back upstairs for another two hour lecture.

One cool thing that happened today was during worship. Well, it's actually a little bit hard for me to connect during worship because....well....the quality maybe isn't there as much as I'm used to...that would be the nice way of putting it. :)

But, hey, it opens me up to a lot of different types of worship, and worshiping in spite of my taste, so that's good! But, anyways, during one of the songs I was absolutely crying out for focus because the drummer was SOOOOOO off I just couldn't concentrate on anything BUT that!! And then right after worship a girl came up to me and said she was praying during worship and saw a picture of me! I was sitting Indian style on the floor right across from Jesus, and we were just talking. She said I had the energy and excitement of a little girl! She also said that I had this incredible focus, it was like the more He filled me up the more I wanted, and the more I gave, it was He was the only thing in the room!

WOW!!! I was praying for focus, and he gave someone else a picture of me being focused....not exactly what I was thinking of, but I guess it works? haha

But, besides that it's been a relatively "boring" day. Everyone is really tired and easily annoyed, but also easily enjoyed (if you know what I mean), so that's nice! I watched a REALLY cool video sermon by Louie Gigglio that pretty much blew my mind last night! It was called something like "indescribable planet" or something! I highly recommend it!

Okay, I'm going to go try and stay awake through another two hour lecture! I learned a TON yesterday, and a lot today too! But, I'm not going to lie's exhausting! Both physically and mentally!!

I'll write again soon!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

I Learned Something NEW!!!

Now, at first glance the title of my blog might sound a little conceited, as it did when I proudly announced it to my mother; BUT, let me assure you, it's not!!!

Growing up in a very spiritual household I have been brought up to know most all of the basics about God, Jesus, the Bible, etc. So, even though throughout the years I have grown to understand God's love more deeply and learn more about His characteristics I can't say I've really learned something vastly new, like a whole new concept, thought or even idea! But, today I did!!! I learned a FEW!!

The one that REALLY sticks out to me is the concept that Jesus is STILL 100% human! I always thought (well, really just assumed, because I've never actually thought about the opposite idea) that Jesus was 100% human and 100% man while He was on earth and then...well, I guess I didn't think past then. But, it makes total sense!! He was resurrected in his "resurrected body" and His whole being ascended into heaven! DUH!!! So, He is STILL 100% God AND 100% human, he's just now in his resurrected body!

Our speaker talked about the old Greek theology (it had a name that I wrote down in my notes, but I don't want to get up to go look...) where they believed that Jesus was created BY God to to be a sacrifice for all mankind but that that was his sole purpose and He wasn't actually God, he was just created by God for the purpose of sacrifice and THUS salvation. WELLLLLLLL he talked about how some evangelists today believe just the same thing as that Greek theology just because they ONLY focus on Jesus being our salvation, that's it, the end all be all. They don't think about what happens AFTER Jesus' death.

And, to be completely honest I was unknowingly guilty of that, to an extent! Like, I know that Jesus is my best friend, BUT I never really thought about what He's doing right now! Well, in the Bible it tells me that Jesus is constantly being my intercessor to God. And you know WHY he can do that?! Because he's STILL the human representation in the trinity!!!

Well, there's a TON more that he challenged me to think about! Like, the two verses, on in Exodus 34 I believe where it says that the children will be responsible for the fathers sins up to the third and fourth generation, and then the verse in Deuteronomy (STILL in the Old Testament, so the argument that the New Testament makes the Old Testament irrelevant can't even be used) where it say's that the son will not be killed for the father's sins, each person will be killed for their own sins!! AAAHHH!!

I feel like my brain is going to EXPLODE! BUT I FREAKING LOVE IT!!!!!!!!! I can't WAIT to get into the Bible and FIND the answers! I have SO many unanswered questions and I feel totally overwhelmed BUT I'm so glad I feel that way!!! Because, I know that when I do find the answers I'll feel so totally satisfied!

But, do you know what made me open to even thinking or receiving all of these complicated questions and thoughts? The fact that he laid the FIRM foundation that God's real purpose and hope is relationally based! The entire universe is contingent on the RELATIONSHIP of the trinity! He had a lot of Biblical explanations for it, but it would take waaaaay too long to type it all!

Oh my goodness, I feel like a mental tigger!!! I'm just so excited about all of these new thoughts that I get to go ponder and talk about!

Now, I know that probably not all of you will agree with me, but you know what? That's totally fine with me! You're welcome to have your own opinion, but it's my blog so I get to write what I want! :)

It's only 2:00 and my world has already been rocked! But, since I've been raised with such a firm belief in a Christian household, my foundation is still strong. it's just my "house" that's shaking a little, and I LOVE it!!

Now, I'm off to go watch Shrek, write a few letters, eat dinner, clean up dinner, and then another two hour long lecture (that's in addition to the 3 1/2 hour lecture we had this morning!)!!

G'DAY everyone!!!

Saturday, September 4, 2010

A Little Less Bleh

Hello again. I'm still having a slightly bad time, but it's a little better.

Well, today we got to sleep in!! It was wonderful! But, one of my roommates decided to be INSANELY loud while getting ready this morning which woke me up at 8...lame.

Yesterday was so hard and so long. We didn't have a single break (besides the one where LaChelle and I sprinted to the coffee shop just to check our email and fix our phones, but that was a stressful break). We were basically going, going, going from 6:30 until 11:00 at night.

My attitude was really down all day and everyone turned incredibly annoying. You know when someone tries to cheer you up but they do so by jumping in your face and tickling you and making jokes...well, I let them know really quickly that I was not going to deal with that. I just wanted to be alone and process and grieve, so I did.

Then towards the end of the day I asked LaChelle how to get out of a bad mood and she actually helped...weird! Then I went and learned a Bollywood, the effects of which I am feeling this morning in my hips and my abs. After which we headed out to a prayer meeting at a church that was an hour away. I fell asleep on the way there and struggled to stay awake through the whole thing. Some super powerful prayers happened and it was totally wonderful, but we were all ready for it to be over so we could go to bed!

Right when we arrived home we were surprised with the internet working!!! I was basically the first one on the scene! It was nice to receive a sweet email from my mom and an even sweeter one from Kev, which made going to bed happy even easier.

Today is our day off, and as of right now I really don't have anything planned. A lot of people are going into the city as a big group but I don't really want to do anything in a big group. A few of us might head down to the beach but it's pretty cold outside still.

My heart's still hurting a lot, it's like this continual deep pain that is always there but just flares up sometimes. Maybe once I start to heal more then my updates will be a little longer and more detailed. But, as of right now this is where I'm at. I miss everyone at home and I really really appreciate any prayers you have!! Thank you!